R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize