Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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