You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
