So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize