when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
