she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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