It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
