apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
