put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
