Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize