I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
