i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
