I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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