why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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