Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?

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(312): View more from Illinois

If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.

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