What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
