maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
