Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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