and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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