I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
