So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I AM VODKA MAN
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
