im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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