It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
