Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
