All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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