I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
All I want is dick and wine.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
