I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
