sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
