Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
two words...techno handjob
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
