I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You ate ashes out of my bong
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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