so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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