My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
