walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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