I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is Oprah even human
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
