the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
