I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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