If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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