I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
