____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
