it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
