Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize