It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
