My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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