It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
