bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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