my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
