They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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