3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize