we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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