mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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