From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
OPIZZABONMYDICK
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
