I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
