Umm I'm too high to move.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
