goodnight i made you a song goodbye
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
