Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
