I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
