Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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