Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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