I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
