I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
