My nipple is on Facebook.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
