my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
