I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
