She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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