I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
