i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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