she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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